My Sincerest Note Ever Written for MOM

... and for this day when GOD have given the earth a life who would share and love dad for a lifetime, and who would eventually give life to us - Ate Dhes, I, Aldrin, & Balong, I am thankful.

... and for a son and a child who has been lost, let today be the day and a way for him to clear his very soul from doubts, pains and miseries. Let go of those unnecessary memories that is accountable for all the negativeness, and destroy the barriers that he has built for him to fully embrace life's happiness.

There is always a fallacy underneath the statement "every child in the family is equal", this is how I continue to live my life as your child and as your son. As much as I wanted to ask for encouragement, care and love from a family, a parent and a mom, I just opted to let you believe that I am okay. And so I have decided to do things on my own, to work on my own, and to satisfy myself on my own. Moreover, I have pretended to be happy and contented with the things you have given me when it's a fact that I feel so alone and a "last-priority". Making me believe that this world is totally different from what you have taught me before... that this world is full of lies and fakes. And that no matter how I try to make myself right to be noticed and loved by you, still I am just an option.

We know for a fact that I have never been the child who you always wanted me to be. This is the very reason why until now I am still striving and struggling with my life, trying to find ways on how am I going to be that child... and still in a search for my real self, making it a point that someday, somehow, you and dad would be able to accept me for what I have become, so I could fully accept myself as a person, and my worth as your son.

You don't deserve me, this is how I have taught myself.

I know that most of the time, I cause you much pain and frustration rather than giving you peace of mind.

You have been through a lot, and for this I thank God you are still in and with us for the duration. You have endured with patience no matter how I have tried to push my life against your will. And yes, I regret the pain I have caused you and I still carry it with me.

Mommy...

I may not have informed you yet how important you are to me, but now I would like you to know that you are, you really are.

I may not have told you how you always fill my heart with cheer and how happy I am whenever you are near, but now I am telling you.

I may not have shown you that your unconditional love and care, always brightens my day, but if you are only near me right now, I surely will.

Lastly, I may not have thanked you always or most of the time, for the many things you did - not just for me but for all of us, but now I just want you to know that I am thankful for everything.

Hope I could reach out to you right now, at this very moment while I am writing this note of my sincere love and gratitude, so I could tell you everything... everything that I have tried to keep in me, rather than to share to you, for almost all of my life.

Yes, we may not have been together through life's sorrows and pains, but I am glad that somehow we have always managed and we have always endured the strain. Please remember that even if how I have tried to go against you, deep inside me I still am longing for your advices and those things that you wanted to remind me of. You will always have a special place in my heart, and you will always be the greatest mom I have ever known.

Again, my apologies for not becoming the son and a child that you have wanted me to be... In time, I hope you will learn to accept this fact.

I hope to see you soon, with daddy, ate, Aldrin, and Balong. I miss you mom, and I miss all of you there. I miss your company and the laughs we had shared before. I love you so much. And if GOD would allow me to make things up to you, I would sacrifice even my own happiness, just for you to be completely happy.

On this day, let me tell you how grateful and lucky I am for having you as my mom. Happy Birthday MOMMY!

PBA09oo54r57

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Missing My Family

thanks to wallcoo.net for this wonderful image

Months had already passed... yet until now, I have not communicated with my family. And now I am missing them so much, that a day won't surely end without me thinking of them especially the memories we've shared together. I miss mommy. I miss daddy. I miss ate. I miss Aldrin. And I miss Balong. I could have communicated with them in any way, but I opted not to... and this is because of an 'unwanted incident' that had happened to me months ago that I don't want them to know or rather I don't want them to be involved.

It's almost July and that 'unwanted incident' happened December of last year, but it seems that it happened just yesterday... and it's killing me. Yes, I know and I've come to learn the fact that my family are the only people in this world who I can always trust, no matter what... but still, at this stage, I have decided not to tell them anything... of what had happened and of what I am currently facing. And in order for me to do this, for me to avoid getting them involve, it is really a must not to communicate with them right now. Maybe after everything's settled but not right now.

Honestly, I feel bad and so down these past few days, and I am certain that only the sound of home would make me feel better. I had always thought that my friends and colleagues would eventually replace the family I had missed way back home... but I was wrong. Nobody can ever replace or surely beat your family and that nothing is like home.

As I spent each day at work and always outdoor, I began to feel sorry for myself, watching the people and the happy neighborhood families around me... And I felt that my life was controlled by the needs of others and that I was losing the right to any personal happiness...

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