Uncertainty That Is

It's neither hope nor haven
When you are on the track by yourself
When your dreams run away, and sanity's soon gone,
When it is chilling deep inside;

While trying your luck on your way
Expect to take a walk or a meal,
Mishaps on a track always happen
And offers no such agreement;

You alone, stripped of thy strength,
Lost, but still so cold to care,
Everything I owned was packed in the sleigh,
Yet uncertainty still hangs in the air.

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Still Waiting for the Rain

I was looking at the sky yesterday and a smile was then painted on my face. It was way clearer than the past few days but maybe it’s because I never paid attention that much before. Yet, despite of its alluring charm, I still prepare it rains...

A tranquil mind is what I needed most at this point in time, and rain helps me have it. While watching it pours each place it reaches, I feel like an airy blessed body that’s befitting the acclamation as I continue to live. A divine feeling I’ve been longing for.

Oh rain! Deluge me with all the wonders you bring. Come here and hug me again. Shower my spirit and water my soul. Wash this growing emptiness and despondency in me.

Come on rain, I am waiting.

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The Distorted I Become

It does not help that either I talk more or I refuse to. I am just a dot in the cosmos anyway, and my existence is still yet to be determined...

The thing is, the path’s getting narrower and narrower now. As much as I wanted to help myself out, I am always being push into a place where options become limited and never meant any advantage. I know this isn’t right but the puzzle remains unresolved as far as I can tell. It’s this thing which leads me to think I must have ruined my chances and I must have done something wrong.

The idea that “I can always change the situation” has already mutated to “If something goes wrong, it will always be my fault.” This tends to alarm and disappoint me lately. It’s like, I need to stay out of my mind and do nothing just to maintain the equilibrium or I try to move and ruin everything again.

Maybe if I can only make things right once again... yet until then, I know I'm in big trouble.

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Just Isn't fair

I'm not certain if it's still worth it but I am still going - though I feel weaker now than before.

There are only two choices: to keep the faith or to lose that little hope. It's complicated. I do not know which to choose.

If that certain time comes where I would decide to become more open about what I am really feeling right now, then for sure I will be postings things here.

I do not know. Maybe it's because I started out making a mess of things, and still I do not know.

Sometimes we come to realize how cruel we become to our own selves as we keep on hoping for miracles to happen. It isn't fair.

But yes, I am still going as I continue to hope of fixing everything that I messed up. The task is never easy but I'm trying...

And to God I am praying for a lighter heart and a clearer mind...

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When You're Behind Denials

While trying to figure out what's wrong again for the nth time, I came to realize that it has been as if this life was something I had really no control over. It's been easy enough to let things happen, then spend all my time either analyzing them without doing anything, or hiding behind denials. Fact is, I just realize that this is what I have been exactly and extremely doing over the years. And if anything less than pleasant comes up, all I had to do was sit back, more or less, and eventually someone or something will intervene which will make things return to a relatively normal state. Except for the fact that doing things ends up in a very slow but inevitable downward spiral.

For reasons I don't fully understand, I will slowly come back to a state where I am in control of my life - to a certain degree, then go back again to being apathetic. I don't know if it's encouragement from an outside source that I need, or if I just got tired of the way things were going, but I'm starting to believe it's really never easy to continue cleaning up the mess I've made over the years and make something grand out of them all. And that little voice in my head that's always doubting my own capabilities continues to whisper...

It's frustrating that you know there's wrong or that something is wrong but you keep doing things as if you're not responsible of your life, and you keep on hoping for miracles that's never meant to happen. It's frustrating how you keep yourself tired of your own apathetic doings.

It's apathetic that you're just there, watching yourself doing nothing but to hurt yourself more...

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Life's Just Fine

Life's maybe cruel and complicated at times but these help us understand our purpose; of who we really are, where we come from, and where we are heading. - atenean101

As I am writing this post, I would like to say I am just fine, which tends to be my default response when someone asks me how I am doing. Yet as much as I would want to tell the world that I am okay right now, things are not just looking good at all. If I would, I would just be a big fool.

Oftentimes, it is just really hard to get anything done when you have that small voice at the back of your head constantly telling and reminding you that you are inept, incapable, or irrelevant. Of course I can always force myself to think positive, but because there is that voice that seems to be always there whispering, and because I cannot figure out how to let it go, to negate negativity is like hoping for miracles to happen. Worse, this becomes habitual that builds up over time. This then result to discouragement which eventually makes me perform worse at the things I do, and which only makes the little voice even more convincing...

I do not want this. I know that this will never be of any help at all but I always refuse to even mention this to anyone, not even him. All of us do have our own burdens, so why bother anyone with mine that's too pathetic. People have enough of their own and I do not want to add to it. And even if I bother them, why would they care to listen anyway?

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Almost A Valentine

There he goes
walking, running
like a knight in shining armour
like a hero in vain.

There he goes again
he waves at you
inviting, pleasing
and with a smile
he says hi

His glances make you shiver
with his every touch that is cold
he wants you up to let you down
then he makes you cheer
as he would need your strength

To conquer you in the end
to see tears running on your face
to validate his value
to boost his pride

Then there he is again
with eyes of an angel
charm of a prince
he's there waiting

Ready to take a plunge
doing his thing
wearing the same smile
planning his second take

He is just a user
great liar in disguise
he is just a man
almost a valentine.

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Insignificance...

Saw the flowers bloomed this morning
while morning dew's filling it.
Witnessed how the rising of the sun
outshine the days of storm.
Tasted the sweetness of the rain
after that drought came in.
Breathed an air full of life
in a space surrounded by lies.
Smelled the fragrance of that perfume
with the word "scentless" in it.
Touched that considered intangible entity.
Heard the angels singing
the romantic song of love,
to love again.
At the end,
at the bottom of that indescribable plain,
there's that something written that says
"SURPRISE ME! I am waiting".

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2Days Of Rest's A Bliss

Often I wonder what a life would be with only a day of rest in a week. Will I stand it? And if ever I will, until when? But what if it's like forever?

Human's never a machine and will never ever be. This, perhaps, is one of which opened the door to that change of mind. This is maybe one of those that made them realize our worth.

For already a year of working six times a week with that ample or no benefit at all, at last voices are heard and prayers are answered. After a long wait of waiting, fact has been considered this time. Now, a 2days of rest at hand.

A 2days of rest in a week is what we surely need and what we only ask them. It's more than just a bliss. You will only not have time to relax but more importantly, you'll have more time for yourself and for your family.

... Employees are part of every management in a certain company. Thus, considering them in every decision is not only necessary but a must, especially if it's them who are directly affected by that decision. And I am just glad the long wait's over.

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I Would Have To Wait

I love you. So I would have to wait. Maybe this waiting would mean forever yet this is what I am more prepared of... - atenean101

After hours of thinking, I would say I am not yet ready. I am not yet prepared to risk and gamble. I do not want to ruin the things we have now just because of that something you may consider "unnecessary".

You maybe thinking that what I wanted to happen between us are nothing but all just myself, and this is making me more afraid of giving it a try. It is giving me this weird feeling of guilt – I guess I am being selfish.

I'm afraid I'd ask for more than what you could only give. And just merely thinking about it is making me realize that I'm just not ready at all - I am not ready to risk and afraid that I might lose my self-control and eventually lose your trust.

I want to hold you. I want to feel you. I just wanted to feel that you also care. And so I thought by simply doing what was planned would help me realize my worth to you. Yet, it only made me realize that it will never really be of any help at all. I will only be fooling myself. It's just more of "I" and there's no longer you - and I don't like it. So I will just wait until that time comes. That certain time when we are both prepared to face those consequences – those what you call "after effects". But I will never talk about it again.

This shall be the last time I'll talk about the issue. You'll not hear any words about it from me anymore unless you'd want us to talk about it. Until that certain time comes – when you are ready and willing - then I will be prepared. I am not going to argue about it anymore because the more we discuss it, the more it makes me think, and the more I am feeling the pain.

It's really hard to pretend that we'll just be fine by going against our will – it's indeed unfair to keep fooling ourselves. It isn't right. Never has it been. This made me decide to cancel tomorrow's event. It isn't fair. Never will it be.

Yes, you are right – we are not in a hurry. So I will be waiting...

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Calm & Undisturbed...

Yesterday, he was that person I never thought he could be. Disturbed. Doubtful. Weak. But he seems different today.

He was seated on the other side a while back, wearing something so light, I noticed. I know him so well, that's for sure. He knows me too, only that we don't often talk. But for sure the feeling's mutual.

There he was with a light aura. I saw him smile. He's smiling slightly, at nothing in particular.

He seems to be perfectly calm as I saw him today. It's as if there's nothing for him to be troubled of anymore, and everything seemed to be alright in the world. It's as if problems, worries, bitterness, and sadness, has never been part or will no longer be part of the picture. It is as if there isn't enough reason to invite negativity.

Upon staring into some distant space, he might have seen me yet he opted to ignore my presence. He just smiled, calm and undisturbed.

Seeing him gives me this reason to start this day a bit better. Because he's an inspiration. He's the new me.

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New Years Resolution : Save Money in 2010

As what I have always mentioned here, last year's the toughest year in my entire life as of this writing. I definitely would not want to be that person that I was last year. I cannot be that person again, that's for sure. So after what had happened it is just but fair enough to consider and start 2010 with a more enhanced resolutions of creating a person in myself who always have God and loveones first before anything else. This in particular would of course include the resolution of saving money this year for a better future.

I have read friends' blogs before mentioning about considering car insurances and getting more and even better coupon codes, as just some helpful ways of fulfilling one's resolution for a more desirable savings this year. I bet they are just right. Unfortunately, I do not have a car of my own but my parents do, so I would surely inform them about this beneficial car insurance thingy that I have just learned from a fellow blogger. And I will start taking advantage of coupon codes this time especially when it comes to online purchasing.

It's been a fact that I wasn't able to spend my money right from the very beginning. Honestly, I really don't have that skill to save especially if we talk about money. Life's not about money, this is what I have learned to live my life from the start. It cannot buy happiness. And at the same time, it cannot buy love. But because it's a fact that we need money in order to live, I guess it is just fair enough to begin saving now.

Now is the time to look ahead. And so I am indeed grateful I was able to take note of some helpful tips from a certain dumb little man. He might be just a dumb little man but he has written this 30 Ways to Save Money that made him that big! I would certainly follow all of those ways he has mentioned in his article. Certainly!

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What Is It That You Really Want?

As the new year started, have you already thought and asked yourself of what is it in your life that you really wanted? Is it becoming wealthy? Is it fame? Is it love? Is it financial stability? Is it to be a good Samaritan and help more people especially the needy? Or maybe, you just want to be as plain as you are the previous years?

Most of us want to prove ourselves. We don't want to live in this world like shadows. We want to become the person who we really wanted to be. As far as I know, there is indeed nothing wrong about it. At the same time, there's nothing wrong of thinking or dreaming big. But in doing so, one must always remember to apply the things or lessons we have learned from our parents, from our family, from the society, from our own selves, and most of all, from God. Most of the time, realization of what we really wanted in our lives is greatly affected by how much we've learned from life's experiences, and even the craft of dealing with people who are difficult and who we hate is considered an important skill.

It's also good to look at other people's achievements. Let me site Naveen Jain as an example. He is just one of the many achievers in the world who started with nothing but his persistence and determination to succeed. He is considered as a tech superstar who founded Intelius - a company that provides online information services. If you want to know more about Naveen Jain, then try to check his Crunchbase Profile for more detailed information about him. His story only proves that if we believe in the power of our dreams, realizing it is will never be impossible.

Naveen Jain is a founder and CEO at Intelius which he started in Janurary 2003 with a mission to empower consumers with online information for personal protection and intelligent decisions. Previously, Naveen launched InfoSpace in March 1996 with the vision of delivering real-world information on the Internet - anytime, anywhere and on any device. Previous to InfoSpace, Jain was a Program Manager at Microsoft Corporation from June 1989 to March 1996.

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A Chance For Another New Beginning

And for the nth time, I have decided to start again. This year's a new year and so I believe here's another new beginning for me. To start all over again. To start out hopeful. To start with high and well spirit. To begin to dream. And to begin realizing the dream.

Paused for a while. Thinking where to begin. Then I just realized that every year seems to be the same thing. Recalling last year's failures. Wondering what had happened to myself that year. And thinking if I could finally work on with my life as a whole this time.

Once upon a time, when everything seemed to be beautiful and uncomplicated, and when life's just a happy-go-lucky one, I keep myself on dreaming. I would have meaningful conversation with my parents, a happy play with my siblings, and a quality time with my family. Those day's definitely a bliss and I can't help but miss those days. My mom would ask me how my day went as I arrive from school. Then she would eventually teach me lessons at night after we watch a nice show on television together with my dad, sister and two little brothers. But those days are no more.

But I bet it's not a crime to start over and dream and eventually hope for a better life this year. Working on with my life as a whole this time around is maybe difficult but I believe that starting the year well enough is to call significant progress in me. So let's just hope I won't be spoiling the opportunity this time around.

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A Hope For A Better 'I'

2009 has passed and glad it's now 2010. Unlike the other years, 2009's so far the toughest one if my entire life. I become the person who I never thought I could ever be. It made me not quite who I used to be.

The passage of time, and the experiences 2009 has brought along, has caused a number of changes inside and in my entire life as whole. Wisdom and other good virtues' gained, I thought at first, yet after a closer inspection reveals something that is entirely different. The decisions and other choices I have made have caused my life to change for the worse. And despite my effort to go against negativity, still, I end up with bruises I could never tell when would be completely healed.

2009's the only year where I often find myself helpless to the tides of time as days continues to pass by. And though I always wanted to change myself in a certain way, I seem to have no control over this. I daresay everything's controlled by fate itself and so it's useless to do an effort to win over it.

But no, this isn't right! I cannot keep myself from being this person that I am not even familiar with! Although some part of it does make sense to me, still, it isn't right. It is this flood of emotion that plagues me whenever I am alone, truly alone. When all sight of me has been blocked by distance or obstruction, when my thoughts then run free, albeit in a world of darkness. And so I am glad it's now 2010.

I am grateful, at least, for the tiny point of light shining through amidst all the gloom, there is this hope for a better 'I' this new year. But I cannot do this by myself alone. I would be needing your help. At the same time I may be begging for your love and care.

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A Note to Remember

As you are reading this note, I am no longer hoping that you will still understand. As much as I wanted not to be affected, my conscience is making me feel the need to reach out than to just keep myself in silence. This is exactly one of the reasons why I have written this note. But this is never a note to explain myself. I bet it's useless now to explain. You have already judged me. You, of all the people in the world to whom I am keeping my trust and who I thought would understand me and stay with me 'til the end, already pushed me away. But I am not blaming you, neither am I blaming anybody not even myself.

Maybe this is just a note to express myself or to tell you how I feel after that message. And maybe this is just a note to bid goodbye. That though I am always scared until now to lose you, you've already put everything between us into trash. You've told me enough. I may not have heard it directly from you, but yes, I've heard you loud and clear. And I guess, no matter what we do now, I will always be that person who you thought I was. But I will never tell you that you're wrong neither will I confirm that you're right because even I, myself, is a stranger to my being as a whole. However, even if this is the case, I will stay the same - the same as who I am from the very first time you have known me.

Glad you have already spoken. I mean, I am glad you already speak up, of what's really on your mind. Been waiting for it sometime ago. Been longing to hear you spiel it. And now, though I wasn't feeling good with what I've learned, I am still grateful. At least I know now where I really stand. And I guess I don't have much reasons now to continue the dream 'coz I am awake now. Unless you'll learn who really I am and what role do I really play in your life. Or not until you realize that I am still worth of value to you.

Yes, I may have been surprised but it's nothing compared to how hurt and sad I become after knowing that despite all those times we've been together, still, you don't seem to know me. I have never imagined how little you see me. And I have never thought that I have already created that worstest impression of myself in you especially that I have always believed that you're one of those very few people who would surely understand my unbecoming until the end. That though there have been so many doubts, I always have my trust in you, always.

Now, just for your convenience I would say yes. Yes for always giving rooms for doubts. Yes for uncertainties. And yes for being confuse most of the time. But for God sake, these never mean I am not trusting you. Never!

Maybe I am just really weak. Weak enough to explain myself. Not strong enough to fight or to go against life's realities. But from the very start, I have already shown you the weakest person I could ever be. But maybe that was not me. Or perhaps, you've never paid attention to give yourself time to notice me or to notice that.

Just the other day I decided to go online. I decided to go out and feel life because loneliness is starting to kill me once again. The deafening sound of silence is making me think and eventually reminding me of the reality I am currently facing. God knows how I keep on trying to negate all these negative feelings inside me because I never like it. Who would want to always be in pain? Who would want to lead his life to misery? Who's strong enough to endure pain and sorrows? And besides, I want to apply everything that you've taught me because I always wanted you to be happy and to see you happy through this simple effort from me. But then again, that may have not been of any importance for you to notice.

But I bet you will never understand me not until you came to the point of sacrificing your happiness for the benefit of those people you love and those who you always wanted to be happy. You will never experience the real world of lost not until you will be in a situation where even if you already know where you're heading, still, you go against your will. You will never hear the deafening sound of silence not until you realize that it's yourself who's left for you to talk to. You will never feel the pain of being alone not until you see people around you busy chatting and happily sharing the gift of love and all you could do is nothing but watch. And I bet you will never ever be able to imagine a life that will forever be hungry of love because you're lucky to have been loved by those people who you always wanted to love you and there are always people who are willing to love and understand you despite all the odds.

I know I have never been a person that people always wanted me to be. But who are we to blame?

But hey, whatever happened, please always remember that I am not mad at you and I will never ever be. I maybe hurt. But aren't we? I will never be blaming you for an event I know you never would have wanted too.

I LOVE YOU AND I WILL ALWAYS DO.

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But Who Are We To Blame?

Complicated is this person who writes. But who are we to blame? Life itself is a complicated issue, thus, everything in it follows. Yet, despite all of life's complexities, there must always be a room for understanding. One must learn to waive that benefit of a doubt and somehow, be not a judge right away.

Misled. Yes, misled is always the person that we are. No matter how hard one tries to give his best shot to understand the world, still, he will end up the other way around. But then, who are we to blame?

Misunderstood. And misunderstood is always the writer that he become. That even if how many times he gives hint to let his readers easily understand his thoughts, they're blinded by their own will. But the reader has a mind of his own, so who are we to blame?

Maybe, we are lucky to have been given this gift of wisdom... only that we are not fortunate enough to understand its worth. But who are we to blame?

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As I Continue To Think

There are times in life that no matter how we try to be complete, there would still be something missing. No matter how much effort one may give in to make things right, still these will end up the other way around. That even if how good an actor one is to hide and deny facts, events will be too blunt to let one realize that nobody escapes reality. And useless, as I may say, is the gift of this wisdom if reality always try to lead us to uncertainty, confusion, and being lost with the world we thought we already knew.

Doubts, confusions and uncertainties hit the button once again. And though this happens most of the time, still, I feel like a newbie. Now, this is giving me reasons to be very scared, to be very afraid of myself and of dreaming, hoping and living...

Too many questions are indeed a destruction at this point. Questions that may probably be forever questions because answers are emptied or perhaps answers are there but for obvious reasons, you would prefer to ignore or deny rather than accept.

Thinking. Part of one's becoming or unbecoming. Been thinking a lot almost every minute of everyday. Today I think again, yet at the end of the day I am still myself, not even a single answer's found. And so I continue to think. Even this will lead me to nowhere. Even if this will help me reach the never ending world of lost.

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