Please Hear What I'm Not Saying
Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
for I wear a mask, a thousand masks,
masks that I'm afraid to take off,
and none of them is me.
Pretending is an art that's second nature with me,
but don't be fooled,
for God's sake don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure,
that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well
that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
that the water's calm and I'm in command
and that I need no one,
but don't believe me.
My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask,
ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.
That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant sophisticated facade,
to help me pretend,
to shield me from the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only hope,
and I know it.
That is, if it's followed by acceptance,
if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself,
from my own self-built prison walls,
from the barriers I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure me
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.
But I don't tell you this. I don't dare to, I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance,
will not be followed by love.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me,
that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing
and that you will see this and reject me.
So I play my game, my desperate pretending game,
with a facade of assurance without
and a trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks,
and my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that's really nothing,
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,
what I'd like to be able to say,
what for survival I need to say,
but what I can't say.
I don't like hiding.
I don't like playing superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me
but you've got to help me.
You've got to hold out your hand
even when that's the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes
the blank stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging,
each time you try to understand because you really care,
my heart begins to grow wings--
very small wings,
very feeble wings,
With your power to touch me into feeling
you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
how you can be a creator--an honest-to-God creator--
of the person that is me
if you choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
you alone can remove my mask,
you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic,
from my lonely prison,
if you choose to.
Please choose to.
Do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.
A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach to me
the blinder I may strike back.
It's irrational, but despite what the books say about man
often I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing I cry out for.
But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls
and in this lies my hope.
Please try to beat down those walls
with firm hands but with gentle hands
for a child is very sensitive.
Who am I, you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet
and I am every woman you meet.
Charles C. Finn
Monday, October 19, 2009
My sincere thanks to Charles C. Finn for his poem entitled "PLEASE HEAR WHAT I AM NOT SAYING". This had brought me too many realizations, realizations which I consider fundamental in my growth as a person and as a wholistic being created by God to submit to His will.
And to the one who introduced me to this wonderful poem which eventually became the bridge for I and Charles Finn to meet, I shall be forever grateful. You just don't know how you have changed me.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
It has been 8 months already yet nothing has changed. Despite of all the efforts, still everything's the same - nothing has changed... Wondering what could have been the problem with the letters "B, D & T" or "B, C & T". Is it because of the letter "B"?
"Left behind", "Forgotten", "Ignored", these words best describe what we always feel we are. But mind you, we're not supposed to feel this way 'coz we're definitely not incompetent, unproductive, intellectually-challenged and inexperienced... I could even say that we're more qualified than those other people around. Our team's line-up is just above average! You read that right - "ABOVE AVERAGE" - quote and quoted! Bragging? We're not! Just letting them know that we certainly deserve the best attention we deserve.
... One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight and still counting. Still counting how many months more to go. Still counting how many more months are we going to endure before they will notice our existence. But maybe they did notice us only that they didn't give us that damn importance that for sure we really need especially at this point that we're almost doubtful of our working environment especially in terms of management - that despite of all the efforts for us to be noticed, still we feel being ignored.
It is no good to compare things especially if those things are incomparable, that's for sure. For all I know it's not healthy to always be comparing as we - everyone or rather everything - are unique. Comparing does not help anyone of us grow but deceives us from our love of ourselves. It rather traps us from reasons of not growing healthy as individual and as employees.
Yesterday signaled the right time. We never grow because they're not letting us grow. Yesterday provided me enough reasons to act and write this stuff. Yesterday gave me the courage to challenge them to prove me wrong. If I will not do this now, will forever await? If I will not act right now, who will?
Whenever I read or hear the phrase "TAKING YOU FORWARD", there's a part of me who wanted to laugh. There's a part of me who disbelieve. There's a part of me who is doubting. There's a part of me who wanted to be heard. There's a part of me who would rather prefer not to encounter the phrase again. The words or rather the phrase is certainly not adequate.
No matter how we try to be noticed we are still unnoticed. In accounting, we are like doubtful account rather than intangible assets. Our team's existence as a whole is becoming more and more doubtful to me as time flies. It becomes more of a question - Do we really exist? This may be just a silly question but for sure this need not be just taken for granted. But we may be existing only that they forget that we do... or maybe, they chose to just ignore our existence... or maybe, they never would have wanted us to be ignored only that it's exactly what they always let us feel.
... Day by day, I am annoyed by this issue. An issue that needs to be taken an action as soon as possible.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
“Only as high as I reach can I grow, only as far as I seek can I go, only as deep as I look can I see, only as much as I dream can I be.” - Karen Ravn
Little by little, I am learning several truths of my being...
... Being used to life's emptiness does not mean I no longer seek to fill it. No! Not at all. It is exactly because I no longer feel that emptiness that I got more aggressive looking for fulfillment. For no longer will I waste time crying over the pain of my wound, but will now pour all my energies to work for what I truly want to have.
Time after time, I am beginning to accept life’s purpose...
... Accepting my fate does not mean giving up my aspirations. In fact, living with my reality gave me enough reasons to dream more. For only through knowing what is can one then hope for what can be.
Step by step, I continue to grow...
... Being contented with how my life is does not mean I want my life to remain as it is. It is indeed pointless to think that way because it is a fact that life changes whether one likes it or not. Time comes and goes, and so will one's family, one's friends, one's beauty, and one's soul. Losing hurts - that’s for sure, but it will surely heal in time. If one can't do anything to bear it, life will.
Day after day, I continue to live life...
... Having no clear purpose does not mean I have not fulfill one. Everyone does. No one is too special to live in this world for free. And even if there is, nothing is free.
Being happy just by simply loving someone does not mean I do not expect something in return. I only ask for one thing - Joy. For only if I can love will I deserve joy. So I will continue striving to love until I cannot love no more. For only then will my life be worthless.