Sunday, August 30, 2009

The Imaginary World I Used to Live

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Live, Love, Blog! This is how I learn to live my life as a blogger...

As of this writing, this first ever personal blog of mine is about to turn one year old. Been blogging for almost a year now, and for this span of time I could say that it has been a fruitful year for me. Yes, I have encountered lots of money-making sites in the blogosphere, yet somehow, I did not mind it that much. But now, I am starting to put my blogging passion to the next level.

Honestly, I've already been asked several times by several bloggers and non-bloggers as well, of how much do I really earn from my blog... yet I never answered anyone, or never disclose any amount at all. Some even think that I earn a lot from this because this blog happens to rank far better than some other blogs around, but hey, this statement is not for the purpose of bragging. This I want to clarify, I am a blogger and never a bragger.

The thought that you are earning or being paid just by simply blogging, reviewing, sharing your thoughts, or writing a buzz or a blog post advocating something that you do care about, is just really amazing. But still, this fact did not really interest me that much, but I am willing to try it. Maybe I am just too hesitant, or maybe it's because of the fact that money is really not my point of interest in life.

Just today, I spoke with one of my close-blogger-buddies about a certain site which offers bloggers the fastest way of blogs monetization. Though I am hesitant, but learning that it has worked well and she has been paid better than the other sites of the same nature, caught my interest. Maybe this is worth a try, I told myself... why not try it, anyway it's free and there's really nothing for me to lose.

Well, I will give this a try... and we'll see what's next...

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Saturday, August 29, 2009

Then He Learns to Write...

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... Because when he thinks, he writes.
And when he writes, he minds! - atenean101

The voice within has spoken, and speaks for itself.

So the day has come...
Another life's chapter is unfolded.
Another journey has started.
Empty pages are about to be filled.
To come up with a life worth living.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009 | Posted in
Dear Diary,

Today, I have decided to start writing this diary. And yes, I am so excited. I cannot help but be so excited with the idea that starting today, this diary shall be witness to my daily life's account... and that starting today, I will open my life to anybody, to everybody.

Reasons to this decision are aplenty, but I shall not disclose any here, not even one. Let me just put it this way; God is so good that He has shown me the way to realize life's lesson that I need to learn.

My sincere thanks to Dr. Charles C. Finn for his poem entitled "PLEASE HEAR WHAT I AM NOT SAYING", for this had brought me too many realizations, realizations which I consider fundamental in my growth as a person, and as a wholistic being created by God to submit to His will.

But please, I beg you not to judge me through this writing alone. This is just merely one side of the story. Just simply my take on my very own story. Whatever I may input here, may not all be true, or the other way around. Fact is I am only human. For as long as I am living, I could always commit mistake and misled anybody. Sad thing is, I may have committed these yet I am not aware I just did.

I may be soliciting your attention, but this does not mean I need your concern, not even your sympathy. Let alone serve the very purpose of this diary. Let alone be the subject of your conscience. And let alone follow this diary's golden rule: "PLEASE JUST READ!"

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Friday, August 28, 2009

An Eagle's Wholistic Achievement

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When the eagles starts to fly, he soars the highest... And when the eagle falls, he learns the biggest. - atenean101

Eagles are achievers, they say. When they start to fly, they soar high... and when they fall, they learn big. This maybe true, and this maybe not. Whatever the case is, I shall not speak based on other's experiences but myself.

Challenges make us discover the things about ourselves, which we never really knew. Oftentimes, these are the the ones of what make the instrument stretch; what make us go beyond the norm, or what one could ever imagine. And because it has been always the case that our own strengths do not match to the task given, we should not assume that it is beyond our capacity... Instead, let ourselves motivate our own selves and believe that the task is just within our compass.

Another chapter of my life is about to unfold, and not so far from now, I shall begin composing another interesting contents for it. A content that maybe complicated and may not easily be understood by most readers, yet surprisingly impressive, informative and thought-provoking, where most of the time only a few are able to learn. And unlike before, that I normally author the previous chapters by myself, I would now be asking contributors to co-author this next chapter, and help me with my journey into a more readable and legible content for the benefit of many readers.

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Tuesday, August 25, 2009

The Never Ending...


Follow your heart, the common notion when we talk about love. And the same thing that I would like to advise you at this stage... at this point in time that you are in doubt and confused of yourself, particularly your feelings. Your case maybe quite different with mine but at least, somehow, I could relate. And I am feeling you, I always do.

Never have I been into a case like yours, before, not even once.  But for sure I know and I am certain of the feeling. Yes, I have been in love - fallen in love, not just once but many times, yet never have I experienced the other way around. This may sound quite sad, but I am taking the pain. God is with me, and since He is with me, I shall be at peace.

Please do not think that I am letting you go now. I am not going to do that and will never ever do that. Just want you to have peace of mind and to do what you truly desire. You deserve it! This is not what I want, God know... I just cannot stand to see you in pain and in sorrow, worst, I can never be real happy to see you in such situation. Never! You don't deserve it. And I don't want to complicate the situation.Your happiness and your betterment, is enough to make me happy and contented with what fate has given us. So please go... Embrace the light that you deserve. I will be okay, for sure I will be.

Being strong or weak is no longer a question here and now. I mean, this does not matter anymore. It is our faith that is more important, and the trust we have built. And just the same as what I have told you before,
for as long as we believe that both of us is important to each other, for as long as we keep the promise to never let go, and for as long as we believe we are friends, we will forever be...

God is indeed wonderful, because He has created a way for our paths to cross. And this is the only time I have met someone so special and interesting... An angel in disguise who has shown me the wonders of believing and made me feel my importance as a created being... And the one who has tried his best to bring out or rather bring me back to my real self.

Please remember that I will be forever thankful that you came into my life. And for as long as I am breathing, you will always be remembered and missed.

Again, please do not be bothered, I am okay. Just follow what you believe is right, and where your heart leads you. Yes, please settle things now before it worsen and be more complicated, before everything will be too late.

I will always be here... you can count on me.


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Saturday, August 22, 2009

My Sincerest Note Ever Written for MOM


... and for this day when GOD have given the earth a life who would share and love dad for a lifetime, and who would eventually give life to us - Ate Dhes, I, Aldrin, & Balong, I am thankful.

... and for a son and a child who has been lost, let today be the day and a way for him to clear his very soul from doubts, pains and miseries. Let go of those unnecessary memories that is accountable for all the negativeness, and destroy the barriers that he has built for him to fully embrace life's happiness.

There is always a fallacy underneath the statement "every child in the family is equal", this is how I continue to live my life as your child and as your son. As much as I wanted to ask for encouragement, care and love from a family, a parent and a mom, I just opted to let you believe that I am okay. And so I have decided to do things on my own, to work on my own, and to satisfy myself on my own. Moreover, I have pretended to be happy and contented with the things you have given me when it's a fact that I feel so alone and a "last-priority". Making me believe that this world is totally different from what you have taught me before... that this world is full of lies and fakes. And that no matter how I try to make myself right to be noticed and loved by you, still I am just an option.

We know for a fact that I have never been the child who you always wanted me to be. This is the very reason why until now I am still striving and struggling with my life, trying to find ways on how am I going to be that child... and still in a search for my real self, making it a point that someday, somehow, you and dad would be able to accept me for what I have become, so I could fully accept myself as a person, and my worth as your son.

You don't deserve me, this is how I have taught myself.

I know that most of the time, I cause you much pain and frustration rather than giving you peace of mind.

You have been through a lot, and for this I thank God you are still in and with us for the duration. You have endured with patience no matter how I have tried to push my life against your will. And yes, I regret the pain I have caused you and I still carry it with me.


I may not have informed you yet how important you are to me, but now I would like you to know that you are, you really are.

I may not have told you how you always fill my heart with cheer and how happy I am whenever you are near, but now I am telling you.

I may not have shown you that your unconditional love and care, always brightens my day, but if you are only near me right now, I surely will.

Lastly, I may not have thanked you always or most of the time, for the many things you did - not just for me but for all of us, but now I just want you to know that I am thankful for everything.

Hope I could reach out to you right now, at this very moment while I am writing this note of my sincere love and gratitude, so I could tell you everything... everything that I have tried to keep in me, rather than to share to you, for almost all of my life.

Yes, we may not have been together through life's sorrows and pains, but I am glad that somehow we have always managed and we have always endured the strain. Please remember that even if how I have tried to go against you, deep inside me I still am longing for your advices and those things that you wanted to remind me of. You will always have a special place in my heart, and you will always be the greatest mom I have ever known.

Again, my apologies for not becoming the son and a child that you have wanted me to be... In time, I hope you will learn to accept this fact.

I hope to see you soon, with daddy, ate, Aldrin, and Balong. I miss you mom, and I miss all of you there. I miss your company and the laughs we had shared before. I love you so much. And if GOD would allow me to make things up to you, I would sacrifice even my own happiness, just for you to be completely happy.

On this day, let me tell you how grateful and lucky I am for having you as my mom. Happy Birthday MOMMY!


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Thursday, August 20, 2009

By His Will, He Shall Have Peace...

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"Mind is the Master -- power that molds and makes, and Man is Mind, and ever more he takes the Tool of Thought, and shaping what he wills, brings forth a thousand joys, a thousand ills -- He thinks in secret and it comes to pass; Environment is but his looking-glass." - James Allen

Everything that has happened will be of significance to everyone of us. No matter how we try to deny this, this would remain a fact. And no matter how we pretend that we are no longer affected of what had happened, still there will come a time that we would realize that we are just fooling ourselves. Because everything that has happened is the very reason why we have learned life's lessons, and at the same time the reason why we have decided to move on and to keep living life the way it should be lived.

"To hope for such thing to happen is to wait for something that is impossible to come" - this statement bothers me a lot. Because if one will just continue to hope and hope and hope and hope, without doing what is right, or without even making a move for one to answer such hope or for one to even notice that the other one is hoping, then certainly it would be an endless waiting... an endless hope.

Life's complicated, and it's a sure thing. But if one wants peace of mind, then let not peace approach one's mind. Rather, let one approach the other one, and let their both minds meet for the closure of any issues or whatever it is that bothers anyone of them. It may not really be a total closure since I really don't believe that there's such thing as 'total closure', but at least each' concern has been presented and noticed... and only then that one's understanding would be a matter of his own piece of peace.

And if one has the will, he shall have peace.

Yes, I am learning. I am learning things that way you have touched and taught me.

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Monday, August 17, 2009

HIS Wonders That We Cannot See

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I do not know what would happen between us before my day, but whatever happens please promise me that you will be with me on that very day...

Last Sunday, on the last part of the mass - a mass where you have invited me to attend, I cried while praying... and I do not know if you have noticed it, but I did. And why I cried is still a strange feeling to me until now? Isn't it strange that I have felt HIM beside me, that very moment? I do not know...

While I was praying, I started to ask HIM things that no matter how I have tried to ask him before, still I do not understand until now... and you know what happened next? I felt HIM. I felt HIS presence, and I felt HIM tapping me on my shoulders...

He then reminded me of the rain, of why it rained... of your presence, and of how the events turned out the night before and that very day. Then I suddenly saw you, smiling and inviting. HANG ON, you just said. And that made me really cry.

... Just letting you know, that you are the gift I have asked HIM for that day...

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Thursday, August 13, 2009

After Everything Has Been Said...


"A mighty pain to love it is,
And 'tis a pain that pain to miss;
But of all pains, the greatest pain
It is to love, but love in vain."
- Abraham Cowley

Today, I have to let go... and all will be forgotten.

This is what I am trying to work on as I am writing this. I know this would be very hard, but I would rather try it...

There is always a rainbow after the rain, they say. And if this is true, I hope I will find the rainbow soon. But, is it really just a rain? I do not know.

Now only one thing is for sure... despite of all the pain you have caused me, you would still be a big part of me, in my mind, in my heart, and in my soul.

I know this is no big deal to you, but I am just letting you know. I don't care anymore, I don't care anymore because I know that no matter how I have tried to run and hide, and kept things just by myself, I always ended up thinking of you... Everything seem to remind me of you.

But after everything has been said and done, and knowing that I once had you in my life... I am hoping that those memories of how I used to be, would be the traces that will remind you of me...

... Yes, I am missing you...

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When Miseries Unfolded...


I feel weak... I lack energy. And I am tired lately. It is not only because of my life's current events but because of my mind, emotion, and body's unwillingness to function and to harmoniously work on things together. And now I would want to ask for encouragement, yet I have immediately realized that I already closed my door for such stuff... at the same time, I doubted that it would really be of any help at all.

Life is a big doubt, I continue to teach myself. Everything in it, including myself, is now considered nonsense.

My life is a world that is empty and void. It's just plain... unspecial and a real complaint. And as I go on with it as I continue to live, I feel it is getting worse.

I envy people who are always happy. And most of the time, I envy them because of the very reason of their being happy - they are love and loved... which in my case is something that is unrealistic and would forever be just a dream that I won't be able to live in reality.

In my entire life, I have always tried to be the strongest person that I have never really been even just for a single instance. I have never invited the thought of giving up. I kept going and going and going and going. I feel that I could not afford to give up not until now... not until you let me feel the pain of dreaming, of expecting... not until you made me realize how rude and cruel I have been to myself for being a person that I am really not... and not until you showed me the real you...

... and to myself, my sincere apologies. If only I have been true, if only I have not dreamt that big and if only I have listened, these miseries will surely be just a word written in the air. But I did not! And because of this, my sincere apologies again.

If given a chance, I would want to ask you. That of all the people you've been with and you've shared your life with, why me? Why did you let me believe that the relationship between dreams and reality is directly proportional? Why did you give me reasons to be happy when you will end it just like that? And why are you such a great actor, that you have acted well on pretending to be with me when it's a fact that you are with them?

Yes, you stabbed me twice as what they did. And so I do not know now how long or until when would this bleeding last... And I am not even sure if I would still be able to recover. You just hit me unexpectedly, the time when I am trying to heal the previous wounds. And it hurts. It hurts more than one could ever imagine, feel and think of. And most of all, it hurts because you know for a fact that I am still bleeding, the time you stabbed me.

Now I am greatly disappointed. Disappointed with my life as a whole. Disappointed with everything.

But maybe I am really not meant to be me...

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Monday, August 10, 2009

I Have Fallen to Life & Love's Mediocrity

"If we can love someone so much, how will we be able to handle it one day when we are separated? And if being separated is a part of life, and you know about separation well, is it possible that we can love someone and never be afraid of losing them? At the same time, I was also wondering... is it possible that we can live our entire life without loving anyone at all? - THE LOVE OF SIAM"

Everything is back again to where we were last time. Me trying and doing all the efforts to make things happen, and holding my own happiness just for you to be happy... because you seem to appear to be doing the same thing, and I thought that we could really make it right.

Yet at this point, you appear to be just playing around with me and with my feelings... and just trying to make me feel better and comfortable even if it's not really what you wanted...

Now I am thinking that maybe I should not really settle to be in a relationship that I am really not into... I mean, for being just the one who cares and just the one who's trying to be accepted by the other one. Also, I should try to look for the real one who would be into me as I will be into that person. And maybe in this case, I will be fair enough to myself and to my whole being as a person.

For in this world that is full of lies and fakes, no matter how I try things to be right or to even be just fine, I will forever be just an option.

"Do not waste your time on someone who doesn't appreciate you the way you should be appreciated... Do not ever settle for mediocrity, for being just an option, for being the one who's just fun to be with, for being the one who's always there desperately waiting for mere concern or pity, or for someone who likes you just because he knows he's got the power to break you... Do not ever settle because deep down inside, you know who you are, and you know without a doubt that you deserve better if not the best."

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Sunday, August 9, 2009

In Replacement of My Stolen Mask

"The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are. You trade in your reality for a role. You trade in your sense for an act. You give up your ability to feel, and in exchange, put on a mask. There can't be any large-scale revolution until there's a personal revolution, on an individual level. It's got to happen inside first." — Jim Morrison

For the past few weeks, I seem to have misplaced the mask which I usually wear... the mask that has been a big part of my life since childhood days. And now I am left with this mask that I am not so familiar with, and I find it to be quite annoying sometimes. But little by little, I am adjusting. Its size and shape may not really suit me well at this stage, but for sure, sooner or later it would best fit me.

And now I stood here in an utmost feeling of disbelief... still trying to figure out those things that I do not understand... those that I could not even understand... those who try to stab me with desire... those who burned themselves with their stupidity and arrogance... and those who have gone really far to conspire with their own enemies, just for them to slay the name of vanity and pride, and to possess those that they could never really have.

Losing, or rather, misplacing my previous mask is indeed a real torture, not just to myself but to the culprits as well. Yes, I just have a feeling that it was not misplaced but intentionally hidden or put into somewhere else by a certain somebody who has no good intention at all.

Each day, I am becoming no good to anyone, not even to myself. And I am just wondering why I am starting to like it.

I know it's just around here some where... It is probably just hiding there, and this is not really the first time that I have misplaced it... I just know it's there, but I don't even bother to look for it. I will try to find it sooner or later, but not now, and not even at this stage. Maybe, I will have to let myself be used or fit with this current mask I am wearing so I can be what they want me to be...

They have done the unthinkable... through betrayal and lies. And I guess it's just better that I return them the favor.

They have tried to slain the previous "ME", and I believe that it's just fair enough to pretend that they have succeeded with it.

Right now, I am still trying to adjust with this mask that I am wearing. And because I am not yet used to this, maybe it would be best to give this more time, and focus on things that this would bring me with... even if it means that I have to temporarily stop dreaming, and embrace a world which is empty and void.

But don't worry, I will be just fine. I promise to find it soon enough, or maybe I will just have to wait for it to come out of the place wherever it was hidden... I will try to look for it tomorrow. But I will just try.


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Sunday, August 2, 2009

When Greed Reaches the Philippines

"So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they're busy doing things they think are important. This is because they're chasing the wrong things. The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning." - Morrie Schwartz

It has always been strange to me of why those things which we normally admire in a certain individual are most of the time associated with failure in our system. And those that we detest, like greed and being self-centered, are the ones with success... that while we admire the first quality, we then love and praise the produce of the second...

It's not so long time ago when a group of Australians landed the Philippine archipelago. They invested, built and established a stronghold of their business in the land thinking that the misbehaviors they have had with their business particularly with their employees before, way back in their own land, would be eliminated or would be avoided by employing Filipinos instead of their own race... but the scene that they're trying to avoid are eventually the scene that they're about to handle and manage, as it's becoming surreal as time continues to fly...

Desire is not bad. It is really not bad at all. It only means that you are manifesting your destiny to its optimum level with the use of your optimum potential... and this is exactly one of the the very reason why we are here in this world. And just like what I have read from a certain article, if we only take greed as a driving force in pursuit of many things like happiness besides money then everything will just fall into their right places.

But it's another story when you cross the line. It would already be like stealing... and when we speak about stealing, it is considered to be a mortal sin as it was written in the 'HOLY Book': "thou shall not steal". Also, it would surely cause you a chain of negativity in your system wherein you will eventually steal from someone else or suffer more than others had to, more than others were supposed to, and it would be for a lifetime.

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