Monday, March 15, 2010

When You're Behind Denials

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While trying to figure out what's wrong again for the nth time, I came to realize that it has been as if this life was something I had really no control over. It's been easy enough to let things happen, then spend all my time either analyzing them without doing anything, or hiding behind denials. Fact is, I just realize that this is what I have been exactly and extremely doing over the years. And if anything less than pleasant comes up, all I had to do was sit back, more or less, and eventually someone or something will intervene which will make things return to a relatively normal state. Except for the fact that doing things ends up in a very slow but inevitable downward spiral.

For reasons I don't fully understand, I will slowly come back to a state where I am in control of my life - to a certain degree, then go back again to being apathetic. I don't know if it's encouragement from an outside source that I need, or if I just got tired of the way things were going, but I'm starting to believe it's really never easy to continue cleaning up the mess I've made over the years and make something grand out of them all. And that little voice in my head that's always doubting my own capabilities continues to whisper...

It's frustrating that you know there's wrong or that something is wrong but you keep doing things as if you're not responsible of your life, and you keep on hoping for miracles that's never meant to happen. It's frustrating how you keep yourself tired of your own apathetic doings.

It's apathetic that you're just there, watching yourself doing nothing but to hurt yourself more...

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