Sunday, December 20, 2009

A Note to Remember

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As you are reading this note, I am no longer hoping that you will still understand. As much as I wanted not to be affected, my conscience is making me feel the need to reach out than to just keep myself in silence. This is exactly one of the reasons why I have written this note. But this is never a note to explain myself. I bet it's useless now to explain. You have already judged me. You, of all the people in the world to whom I am keeping my trust and who I thought would understand me and stay with me 'til the end, already pushed me away. But I am not blaming you, neither am I blaming anybody not even myself.

Maybe this is just a note to express myself or to tell you how I feel after that message. And maybe this is just a note to bid goodbye. That though I am always scared until now to lose you, you've already put everything between us into trash. You've told me enough. I may not have heard it directly from you, but yes, I've heard you loud and clear. And I guess, no matter what we do now, I will always be that person who you thought I was. But I will never tell you that you're wrong neither will I confirm that you're right because even I, myself, is a stranger to my being as a whole. However, even if this is the case, I will stay the same - the same as who I am from the very first time you have known me.

Glad you have already spoken. I mean, I am glad you already speak up, of what's really on your mind. Been waiting for it sometime ago. Been longing to hear you spiel it. And now, though I wasn't feeling good with what I've learned, I am still grateful. At least I know now where I really stand. And I guess I don't have much reasons now to continue the dream 'coz I am awake now. Unless you'll learn who really I am and what role do I really play in your life. Or not until you realize that I am still worth of value to you.

Yes, I may have been surprised but it's nothing compared to how hurt and sad I become after knowing that despite all those times we've been together, still, you don't seem to know me. I have never imagined how little you see me. And I have never thought that I have already created that worstest impression of myself in you especially that I have always believed that you're one of those very few people who would surely understand my unbecoming until the end. That though there have been so many doubts, I always have my trust in you, always.

Now, just for your convenience I would say yes. Yes for always giving rooms for doubts. Yes for uncertainties. And yes for being confuse most of the time. But for God sake, these never mean I am not trusting you. Never!

Maybe I am just really weak. Weak enough to explain myself. Not strong enough to fight or to go against life's realities. But from the very start, I have already shown you the weakest person I could ever be. But maybe that was not me. Or perhaps, you've never paid attention to give yourself time to notice me or to notice that.

Just the other day I decided to go online. I decided to go out and feel life because loneliness is starting to kill me once again. The deafening sound of silence is making me think and eventually reminding me of the reality I am currently facing. God knows how I keep on trying to negate all these negative feelings inside me because I never like it. Who would want to always be in pain? Who would want to lead his life to misery? Who's strong enough to endure pain and sorrows? And besides, I want to apply everything that you've taught me because I always wanted you to be happy and to see you happy through this simple effort from me. But then again, that may have not been of any importance for you to notice.

But I bet you will never understand me not until you came to the point of sacrificing your happiness for the benefit of those people you love and those who you always wanted to be happy. You will never experience the real world of lost not until you will be in a situation where even if you already know where you're heading, still, you go against your will. You will never hear the deafening sound of silence not until you realize that it's yourself who's left for you to talk to. You will never feel the pain of being alone not until you see people around you busy chatting and happily sharing the gift of love and all you could do is nothing but watch. And I bet you will never ever be able to imagine a life that will forever be hungry of love because you're lucky to have been loved by those people who you always wanted to love you and there are always people who are willing to love and understand you despite all the odds.

I know I have never been a person that people always wanted me to be. But who are we to blame?

But hey, whatever happened, please always remember that I am not mad at you and I will never ever be. I maybe hurt. But aren't we? I will never be blaming you for an event I know you never would have wanted too.


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