I Would Have To Wait

I love you. So I would have to wait. Maybe this waiting would mean forever yet this is what I am more prepared of... - atenean101

After hours of thinking, I would say I am not yet ready. I am not yet prepared to risk and gamble. I do not want to ruin the things we have now just because of that something you may consider "unnecessary".

You maybe thinking that what I wanted to happen between us are nothing but all just myself, and this is making me more afraid of giving it a try. It is giving me this weird feeling of guilt – I guess I am being selfish.

I'm afraid I'd ask for more than what you could only give. And just merely thinking about it is making me realize that I'm just not ready at all - I am not ready to risk and afraid that I might lose my self-control and eventually lose your trust.

I want to hold you. I want to feel you. I just wanted to feel that you also care. And so I thought by simply doing what was planned would help me realize my worth to you. Yet, it only made me realize that it will never really be of any help at all. I will only be fooling myself. It's just more of "I" and there's no longer you - and I don't like it. So I will just wait until that time comes. That certain time when we are both prepared to face those consequences – those what you call "after effects". But I will never talk about it again.

This shall be the last time I'll talk about the issue. You'll not hear any words about it from me anymore unless you'd want us to talk about it. Until that certain time comes – when you are ready and willing - then I will be prepared. I am not going to argue about it anymore because the more we discuss it, the more it makes me think, and the more I am feeling the pain.

It's really hard to pretend that we'll just be fine by going against our will – it's indeed unfair to keep fooling ourselves. It isn't right. Never has it been. This made me decide to cancel tomorrow's event. It isn't fair. Never will it be.

Yes, you are right – we are not in a hurry. So I will be waiting...

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A Note to Remember

As you are reading this note, I am no longer hoping that you will still understand. As much as I wanted not to be affected, my conscience is making me feel the need to reach out than to just keep myself in silence. This is exactly one of the reasons why I have written this note. But this is never a note to explain myself. I bet it's useless now to explain. You have already judged me. You, of all the people in the world to whom I am keeping my trust and who I thought would understand me and stay with me 'til the end, already pushed me away. But I am not blaming you, neither am I blaming anybody not even myself.

Maybe this is just a note to express myself or to tell you how I feel after that message. And maybe this is just a note to bid goodbye. That though I am always scared until now to lose you, you've already put everything between us into trash. You've told me enough. I may not have heard it directly from you, but yes, I've heard you loud and clear. And I guess, no matter what we do now, I will always be that person who you thought I was. But I will never tell you that you're wrong neither will I confirm that you're right because even I, myself, is a stranger to my being as a whole. However, even if this is the case, I will stay the same - the same as who I am from the very first time you have known me.

Glad you have already spoken. I mean, I am glad you already speak up, of what's really on your mind. Been waiting for it sometime ago. Been longing to hear you spiel it. And now, though I wasn't feeling good with what I've learned, I am still grateful. At least I know now where I really stand. And I guess I don't have much reasons now to continue the dream 'coz I am awake now. Unless you'll learn who really I am and what role do I really play in your life. Or not until you realize that I am still worth of value to you.

Yes, I may have been surprised but it's nothing compared to how hurt and sad I become after knowing that despite all those times we've been together, still, you don't seem to know me. I have never imagined how little you see me. And I have never thought that I have already created that worstest impression of myself in you especially that I have always believed that you're one of those very few people who would surely understand my unbecoming until the end. That though there have been so many doubts, I always have my trust in you, always.

Now, just for your convenience I would say yes. Yes for always giving rooms for doubts. Yes for uncertainties. And yes for being confuse most of the time. But for God sake, these never mean I am not trusting you. Never!

Maybe I am just really weak. Weak enough to explain myself. Not strong enough to fight or to go against life's realities. But from the very start, I have already shown you the weakest person I could ever be. But maybe that was not me. Or perhaps, you've never paid attention to give yourself time to notice me or to notice that.

Just the other day I decided to go online. I decided to go out and feel life because loneliness is starting to kill me once again. The deafening sound of silence is making me think and eventually reminding me of the reality I am currently facing. God knows how I keep on trying to negate all these negative feelings inside me because I never like it. Who would want to always be in pain? Who would want to lead his life to misery? Who's strong enough to endure pain and sorrows? And besides, I want to apply everything that you've taught me because I always wanted you to be happy and to see you happy through this simple effort from me. But then again, that may have not been of any importance for you to notice.

But I bet you will never understand me not until you came to the point of sacrificing your happiness for the benefit of those people you love and those who you always wanted to be happy. You will never experience the real world of lost not until you will be in a situation where even if you already know where you're heading, still, you go against your will. You will never hear the deafening sound of silence not until you realize that it's yourself who's left for you to talk to. You will never feel the pain of being alone not until you see people around you busy chatting and happily sharing the gift of love and all you could do is nothing but watch. And I bet you will never ever be able to imagine a life that will forever be hungry of love because you're lucky to have been loved by those people who you always wanted to love you and there are always people who are willing to love and understand you despite all the odds.

I know I have never been a person that people always wanted me to be. But who are we to blame?

But hey, whatever happened, please always remember that I am not mad at you and I will never ever be. I maybe hurt. But aren't we? I will never be blaming you for an event I know you never would have wanted too.

I LOVE YOU AND I WILL ALWAYS DO.

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When Miseries Unfolded...

I feel weak... I lack energy. And I am tired lately. It is not only because of my life's current events but because of my mind, emotion, and body's unwillingness to function and to harmoniously work on things together. And now I would want to ask for encouragement, yet I have immediately realized that I already closed my door for such stuff... at the same time, I doubted that it would really be of any help at all.

Life is a big doubt, I continue to teach myself. Everything in it, including myself, is now considered nonsense.

My life is a world that is empty and void. It's just plain... unspecial and a real complaint. And as I go on with it as I continue to live, I feel it is getting worse.

I envy people who are always happy. And most of the time, I envy them because of the very reason of their being happy - they are love and loved... which in my case is something that is unrealistic and would forever be just a dream that I won't be able to live in reality.

In my entire life, I have always tried to be the strongest person that I have never really been even just for a single instance. I have never invited the thought of giving up. I kept going and going and going and going. I feel that I could not afford to give up not until now... not until you let me feel the pain of dreaming, of expecting... not until you made me realize how rude and cruel I have been to myself for being a person that I am really not... and not until you showed me the real you...

... and to myself, my sincere apologies. If only I have been true, if only I have not dreamt that big and if only I have listened, these miseries will surely be just a word written in the air. But I did not! And because of this, my sincere apologies again.

If given a chance, I would want to ask you. That of all the people you've been with and you've shared your life with, why me? Why did you let me believe that the relationship between dreams and reality is directly proportional? Why did you give me reasons to be happy when you will end it just like that? And why are you such a great actor, that you have acted well on pretending to be with me when it's a fact that you are with them?

Yes, you stabbed me twice as what they did. And so I do not know now how long or until when would this bleeding last... And I am not even sure if I would still be able to recover. You just hit me unexpectedly, the time when I am trying to heal the previous wounds. And it hurts. It hurts more than one could ever imagine, feel and think of. And most of all, it hurts because you know for a fact that I am still bleeding, the time you stabbed me.

Now I am greatly disappointed. Disappointed with my life as a whole. Disappointed with everything.

But maybe I am really not meant to be me...

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This Is Only For YOU...

I know I couldn’t write the greatest love letter ever written, but at least I have tried and still I am trying of writing one... And for sure, it would have been a guide of standard writing or the most excessively sentimental and emotional thing a certain man could have ever written in the whole history of mankind. And I have never been that what they call "romantic"... never in my entire life, that's for sure. Not unless my arms were twisted and that someone had really forced me to.

I never wanted writing stuffs like this... but I just can't really help it this time, and this time this one is definitely because of you. So here I am doing crazy and miserably with my paragraphs, hoping that this would somehow reach the very inner part of you. The thing is, I know I really could not write the most effective and desirable love letter ever written... but I am still hoping that you will like this.

So here I am, pondering over this for the past week now. Believe me when I say that this is really no easy task you have given me. But I really want it to, and I really do. It is just that my brain is not wired up for things like these... but anyway, I will just write this letter just the same.

Now that I am already on another paragraph, still I am certain that I could not really write the most decent love letter ever written... but I am sure that there is really too much I feel about you but I just don’t have the right and perfect words to write it down. And I could have quoted the line from the movie I have just watched lately but I chose not to... maybe it is because the line seems ‘corny’, but the fact is, it expresses all of the things that I really feel for you.

I am afraid that “Romantics” would really be scratched out from this letter because I really am certain that I couldn’t write the most legible love letter ever written. I am ashamed of my thoughts and I don’t want it to reflect the ‘relationship’ that we are currently into... just please don’t get me wrong with the word ‘relationship’, coz I know who I am and I am certain of where I stand. I know for a fact that I am just a nobody to you who’s trying to be more than that, and it’s really a shame... I admit it isn’t really easy to take, but despite of this, I clearly see how I am desperately trying my best to somehow win even just a simple attention of you.

And why couldn’t you just let me type it on my PC? I mean, why can’t I just let myself write this letter on my PC and just print it out… why do I still need to write it with my penmanship? Yes, it’s not really that hard to do it, but why?

I couldn’t really write a more justifiable love letter ever written and I know it, but I am still trying. Putting in paper what we have gone through, what I feel towards you and what you really are to me don’t quite do it. I mean, it’s not enough.

I can’t help but remember your perfect smile, your graceful moves, your accent, your voice, and almost everything in you… just thinking of them made me really smile. Those times that we're together just like last night will surely be treasured for the rest of my life... the memories that you have shared will always be a big part of me. And by the way, you are the most wonderful thing that happened to me and still happening… and because of that, I couldn’t write any more love letters… ever. This one would surely be the last one I’ll ever sweat over, and this is for the guy whom I would like to share happy and special memories with. So please don’t ask me about the validity of this letter… don't ask me not to tell you what you are to me... and please don't ask me not to tell you all these stuffs, for you are more than just the word 'special' for me and you will always be. Yes, I am not asking for more and I am not even asking you to feel the same thing. You can always be you, for that would surely be who you really are... and I am not asking you anything else. Just let me love you... please I beg you. It seems I have written a poor excuse of a love letter, but none the less it is still my love letter and I wrote it because you are important and special to me... and most of all, because I love you.

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An Open Message To "Mr Complicated"

Just let me love you in silence...

I am so sorry for having no guts and strength to talk to you at all. And besides, I also don't know if you're open for a talk with me the time when I thought that I am already ready to gamble almost all of my chances in the depth of the cold dark night.

I kept myself in silence despite of the fact that I know for sure that it's useless. It's useless this time in a sense that there are things that despite the heart keeps on telling me what needs to be done but still my mind needs to push it for the words to be heard. Yes, there are really certain things that are better to be heard while feeling it.

I just don't have the guts, the strength and the confidence...

You'll lose nothing, I know it for sure. But Me? A lot! Just like the chance to hear your answer that you could also love me the way I love you, just incase.

I know, it's been a long time that I have been keeping this... that I have regretted the chances that I should have taken advantage of, to tell you all the words about what I really feel for you.

On the other hand, I have thought, that in this very complicated world of ours, I wish I should have gotten the chance to hear you saying the things that might take me out of this complication and confusion... even if how sad or bad it is...

Wish I have already told you immediately.

I always try to ask myself, my friends, and other people that I know, but there's really nobody who could answer my question but you and me. Yes, it's only YOU and ME.

I don't know how or in what way should I read you. The truth is, I really don't know if I could really read you at all... Complicated! Yes, you are too complicated and that fact only adds up to those things that I find really hard to explain.

On the other side, I guess I also should be thankful for not being that confident. Because maybe there's really a reason why I am scared... of why I have really been that scared... that maybe I couldn't take the truth that you are to say, even if how good that thing is or the other way around.

And because of this, I am thankful.

What I am saying is... just let me love you in silence...

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Open Letter To "You Know Who You Are"

[image is taken from here.]

To Whom This May Concern:

There are really people around who cant abide by the rules! Despite of all constant reminders & warnings, they keep on doing things which are not suppose to be done!

But first of all, before I go further and before I tell you what I really don`t want to tell you but still I am telling you, allow me first to give you an idea about the true and definite meaning of the word "RULE".

According to all dictionaries and some other related or relevant references I`ve read, Rule[s] are authoritative statement[s] which establishes a standard or principle of what to do or not to do in a certain specific situation, issued by an appropriate person or body that will serve as a norm for guiding or mandating action or conduct. Depending on situations and on the use of rule[s], it may be divided into four general categories:

• Folklore: These are unpublished rules that are conveyed by behavior and are implicitly understood.
• Guidelines: These are commonly published and recommended practices that allow some discretion with their interpretation and use.
• Mandates: These are published commands that may not be ignored in any circumstance and whose violation is punishable.
• Policies: These are published rules that imply a predicted behavior and whose violation may be permitted or tolerated under certain circumstances.

Among the above four categories mentioned, establishments like government, corporate, businesses, offices and schools usually executes or implement the legal use of the last two categories [Mandates & Policies] especially on running their working environment; management and employees. Thus, obedience is highly advised and should be properly recognized or else one will be subject to immediate and reasonable imposition of legal action or sanction prior to the violation [e.g. an employee could be suspended or worst be fired for any reason of violation of a certain imposed rule].

I don`t know what`s on your mind and I don`t even care about it at all, but I`m just curious. So I just want to ask you, why in the hell do you think rules are set and imposed? Why do you think it is necessary? Do you have any idea of what`s going to happen once there is no such rule[s]?

Now this is what I want to tell you. I am not a person who normally holds grudges for I am certain that it wouldn`t do any good to me at all but I shall not let this occurences come to past especially that you have done this several times already not just to me, but to us. I know you`re old and intelligent enough to be told but because you`re not wiser enough to understand your actions and because you`re not mature enough to properly learn the meaning of respect, then still I am telling you what I want to tell you. The world owes you nothing and it will never do you any good to seek some false sense of satisfaction or pleasure perhaps from doing crazy things, and worst from doing what is not suppose to be done. I suggest that you seek some professional help, or I could even recommend you to some of the best psychiatrist in town... I mean, you need it! You know and I know that we`re responsible for our own actions, but what I just can`t understand [even if how hard I try to do it] is why you have to be so selfish over everybody, worst to your ownself... Come to think of it, it`s not yet late for a change.

It`s really so sad and disappointing to learn and realize that there are still people like you in this world who seem to be blessed yet useless... intelligent yet ignorant... worst, lucky yet selfish and unworthy! Yes it`s YOU! You know who you are and please don`t pretend that you don`t. Yes, it`s really YOU!

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