Monday, January 25, 2010

I Would Have To Wait

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I love you. So I would have to wait. Maybe this waiting would mean forever yet this is what I am more prepared of... - atenean101

After hours of thinking, I would say I am not yet ready. I am not yet prepared to risk and gamble. I do not want to ruin the things we have now just because of that something you may consider "unnecessary".

You maybe thinking that what I wanted to happen between us are nothing but all just myself, and this is making me more afraid of giving it a try. It is giving me this weird feeling of guilt – I guess I am being selfish.

I'm afraid I'd ask for more than what you could only give. And just merely thinking about it is making me realize that I'm just not ready at all - I am not ready to risk and afraid that I might lose my self-control and eventually lose your trust.

I want to hold you. I want to feel you. I just wanted to feel that you also care. And so I thought by simply doing what was planned would help me realize my worth to you. Yet, it only made me realize that it will never really be of any help at all. I will only be fooling myself. It's just more of "I" and there's no longer you - and I don't like it. So I will just wait until that time comes. That certain time when we are both prepared to face those consequences – those what you call "after effects". But I will never talk about it again.

This shall be the last time I'll talk about the issue. You'll not hear any words about it from me anymore unless you'd want us to talk about it. Until that certain time comes – when you are ready and willing - then I will be prepared. I am not going to argue about it anymore because the more we discuss it, the more it makes me think, and the more I am feeling the pain.

It's really hard to pretend that we'll just be fine by going against our will – it's indeed unfair to keep fooling ourselves. It isn't right. Never has it been. This made me decide to cancel tomorrow's event. It isn't fair. Never will it be.

Yes, you are right – we are not in a hurry. So I will be waiting...

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