Thursday, August 13, 2009

When Miseries Unfolded...

7 comments

I feel weak... I lack energy. And I am tired lately. It is not only because of my life's current events but because of my mind, emotion, and body's unwillingness to function and to harmoniously work on things together. And now I would want to ask for encouragement, yet I have immediately realized that I already closed my door for such stuff... at the same time, I doubted that it would really be of any help at all.

Life is a big doubt, I continue to teach myself. Everything in it, including myself, is now considered nonsense.

My life is a world that is empty and void. It's just plain... unspecial and a real complaint. And as I go on with it as I continue to live, I feel it is getting worse.

I envy people who are always happy. And most of the time, I envy them because of the very reason of their being happy - they are love and loved... which in my case is something that is unrealistic and would forever be just a dream that I won't be able to live in reality.

In my entire life, I have always tried to be the strongest person that I have never really been even just for a single instance. I have never invited the thought of giving up. I kept going and going and going and going. I feel that I could not afford to give up not until now... not until you let me feel the pain of dreaming, of expecting... not until you made me realize how rude and cruel I have been to myself for being a person that I am really not... and not until you showed me the real you...

... and to myself, my sincere apologies. If only I have been true, if only I have not dreamt that big and if only I have listened, these miseries will surely be just a word written in the air. But I did not! And because of this, my sincere apologies again.

If given a chance, I would want to ask you. That of all the people you've been with and you've shared your life with, why me? Why did you let me believe that the relationship between dreams and reality is directly proportional? Why did you give me reasons to be happy when you will end it just like that? And why are you such a great actor, that you have acted well on pretending to be with me when it's a fact that you are with them?

Yes, you stabbed me twice as what they did. And so I do not know now how long or until when would this bleeding last... And I am not even sure if I would still be able to recover. You just hit me unexpectedly, the time when I am trying to heal the previous wounds. And it hurts. It hurts more than one could ever imagine, feel and think of. And most of all, it hurts because you know for a fact that I am still bleeding, the time you stabbed me.

Now I am greatly disappointed. Disappointed with my life as a whole. Disappointed with everything.

But maybe I am really not meant to be me...

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7 COMMENTS:

yodz said...

Soon it will just be some memories with almost no associated emotions, that is if you get rid of your attachment. You will recover and become stronger than before And in the future this event will only be a part of your experience database.
This is a perfect time to be with friends.
Be well soon!

madz said...

Oh, I felt sad :(
Sabi nila, dapat daw, ang happiness mo, not dependent sa iba. You should be happy sa sarili mo. Parang sa love, before you can really love a person, dapat mahalin mo muna ang sarili mo.
Indeed, easier said than done.
Will just pray for you.
God Bless!

One Sassy Girl said...

This has been my year! Just when I think the bad luck ends, something else falls through. All you can do is control your response to these things and find happiness in other aspects of life. I'm NEVER this sappy. My apologies!
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atenean101 said...

i bet you`re right yodz, but the only thing that i am doubting right now is if i could really be with friends especially that most of my real friends are too far away from where i am right now... and all i have here are those fake ones.

atenean101 said...

yea, that`s what i was also told by the person i am referring here. and i am currently in the process of healing. and will be attending mass to hear inspirational messages, as often as possible, though i am not a christian. haha.

atenean101 said...

yea, thanks for this. i`ll surely control my response to all these negativeness in me... i`ll do it, as what i`ve promised HIM. thanks again.