Thursday, August 13, 2009
When Miseries Unfolded...
I feel weak... I lack energy. And I am tired lately. It is not only because of my life's current events but because of my mind, emotion, and body's unwillingness to function and to harmoniously work on things together. And now I would want to ask for encouragement, yet I have immediately realized that I already closed my door for such stuff... at the same time, I doubted that it would really be of any help at all.
Life is a big doubt, I continue to teach myself. Everything in it, including myself, is now considered nonsense.
My life is a world that is empty and void. It's just plain... unspecial and a real complaint. And as I go on with it as I continue to live, I feel it is getting worse.
I envy people who are always happy. And most of the time, I envy them because of the very reason of their being happy - they are love and loved... which in my case is something that is unrealistic and would forever be just a dream that I won't be able to live in reality.
In my entire life, I have always tried to be the strongest person that I have never really been even just for a single instance. I have never invited the thought of giving up. I kept going and going and going and going. I feel that I could not afford to give up not until now... not until you let me feel the pain of dreaming, of expecting... not until you made me realize how rude and cruel I have been to myself for being a person that I am really not... and not until you showed me the real you...
... and to myself, my sincere apologies. If only I have been true, if only I have not dreamt that big and if only I have listened, these miseries will surely be just a word written in the air. But I did not! And because of this, my sincere apologies again.
If given a chance, I would want to ask you. That of all the people you've been with and you've shared your life with, why me? Why did you let me believe that the relationship between dreams and reality is directly proportional? Why did you give me reasons to be happy when you will end it just like that? And why are you such a great actor, that you have acted well on pretending to be with me when it's a fact that you are with them?
Yes, you stabbed me twice as what they did. And so I do not know now how long or until when would this bleeding last... And I am not even sure if I would still be able to recover. You just hit me unexpectedly, the time when I am trying to heal the previous wounds. And it hurts. It hurts more than one could ever imagine, feel and think of. And most of all, it hurts because you know for a fact that I am still bleeding, the time you stabbed me.
Now I am greatly disappointed. Disappointed with my life as a whole. Disappointed with everything.
But maybe I am really not meant to be me...